By Fathers Incorporated
Kenneth Braswell &
Roxanne Wright
(June
7, 2006, New York) We know that
we are products of our experiences. Those experiences include people
who have been a part of our lives, or have not. We know that we are the
biological result of two people pairing – either fleetingly or more
permanently. Around this time each year, we are reminded that society
refers to one of those people as "the father". So, we reflect on the
father influences that we might have experienced and internalized.
Depending on whether he was present, and functional, or absent, or
dysfunctional, we may struggle with the concept that there could be
anything about him that we represent. Nevertheless, Father's Day almost
forces us to find ways and time to understand the presence (or absence)
of a man who helped to shape, in a positive or not so positive way, some
of the most critical aspects of who we are.
Unless we have a particular interest in doing so, very
few of us look at statistics around fatherlessness and the issues
created by this social dilemma. Statistics reveal that an increasing
number of children are living with only one parent. According to the
2000 U.S. Census, the number of single mothers increased between 1970
and 2000, from 3 million to 10 million. Within the same time period, the
number of single fathers also increased from 393,000 to 2 million. In
addition, as those numbers increase, the parenting culture of the nation
is changing. Today, when we think of a single parent, our mind
immediately thinks "mother". Many things contribute to this way of
thinking, but it is still nevertheless the case. Even pop-culture
devalues and minimizes the contribution of fathers, sometimes seemingly
subconsciously, but none the less effectively.
At the same time, most social researchers would agree
that the optimal situation for kids is a circumstance where they can
reap the benefits of both parents-at least when both parents are willing
and able to assume their appropriate roles. While we recognize the
preferability of equal parenting contributions for the sake of the
children, we appear to struggle with equal appreciation. Someone once
asked me if I noticed that the phone lines are busy all day on Mother's
Day, but you can get a call in practically anytime on Father's Day.
Commercially, a much bigger fuss is made over Mother's Day than Father's
Day. It's the subtle messages that we receive that are even more
interesting to notice. As if eating chocolates, getting flowers, eating
out in a nice restaurant, or being treated to a day of luxury are all
gender specific, we tend to perpetuate the myths that gadgets, tools,
neckties or golf balls are our best bets for gifts. As individuals, the
task of finding material ways to honor our fathers may be easy. For
others the discount rack is loaded with items we believe satisfy a
father's need to be appreciated. However, many of the materialistic and
traditional methods of appreciation fall far short of a day long
expression of thanks. In the final analysis, can anything material
truly convey our gratitude when the job has been well done?
In all their capacities, both parents deserve
acknowledgement and praise for the positive impressions that they have
made. Alright, so we acknowledge that some people would struggle to
find anything positive about them that they can attribute to their
father's influence. Some would say that the best thing that they learned
from their father was how not to be a father. Believe it or not, even
that is a gift, though not the gift that was desired.
As parents, we are taught that encouragement, not
demoralization, motivates a child to find and understand value in
themselves. So we try to always provide encouragement in order to
bolster their self-esteem and character, and to provide validation. As
adults, we thrive on that same type of feedback. Truth be told, many
of today's parents struggle to provide as parents what they themselves
never received as children. It is a battle that, when won, should be
noticed and applauded. Who knows, if we make a big enough deal about
it, others may find motivation to continue to struggle until successful.
At any rate, given what is at stake, we should at least
re-examine how we place (or don't place) value on the positive
contributions of fathers. If we are serious about the well-being of our
children, and we acknowledge the impact of fatherlessness on them and
the society as a whole, then perhaps we should be more vigilant about
the subtle messages which may appear to give preference to the value of
one parent role over another.
